There aren't five love languages, despite claims on TikTok

LOVE languages have permeated popular culture. On TikTok, videos about them have billions of views. On dating shows such as The Bachelor, contestants reveal their love language to potential suitors to gauge their compatibility, and on dating apps such as Hinge and Bumble, people can display their love language on their profile for potential partners to see before they even go on a first date.

Although today love languages have become a cultural obsession, the original idea had modest origins. Gary Chapman first published The Five Love Languages in 1992, based on his experience as a Southern Baptist pastor counselling couples. He determined that there are five love languages: physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time and gifts.

Chapman says we all have a primary love language and the key to lasting love is to learn to “speak” a partner’s preferred language. These ideas clearly resonate with people: the book has sold more than 20 million copies and has been translated into 50 languages.

As psychologists who study close relationships, we were sceptical, so we published a review of the scientific studies on love languages, none of which convincingly supported Chapman’s claims.

According to this framework, people have a primary or preferred language, but the online quiz Chapman developed to test this forces people to pit the five love languages against one another. For example, people need to decide whether “holding hands” or “receiving gifts” is more meaningful to them. In real life, when people don’t actually need to make these trade-offs, they see all five ways of expressing and receiving love as important. What the science of love reveals is that if love were a language, we would all need to be multilingual.

Chapman also says that because people tend to express love the way they want to receive it, partners who have the same love language should be happy in their relationship. He also suggests that even partners who don’t share the same love language can cultivate love by learning to express it in the way the other person finds most meaningful. Instead, our review of the research showed that people report higher satisfaction when their partner expresses love in any of the languages.

As for the claim that there are five love languages, research on relationships suggests there are other meaningful ways that people express and receive love, such as supporting a partner’s autonomy or personal goals outside the relationship. Chapman’s oversight in not identifying these behaviours in the original five love languages probably stems from his reliance on a limited sample of couples who were all married, religious, heterosexual and shared traditional values.

What the science of relationships suggests is that love isn’t a language we need to learn to speak, but is more akin to keeping a nutritionally balanced diet. Whereas Chapman’s language metaphor implies that people can only feel love when their partner speaks their love language, our diet metaphor suggests that people need multiple nutrients to maintain happy relationships, and keeps all types of expressions of love on the menu.

Much like a partner might mention they are craving spaghetti bolognese for dinner, they can also share when they need a supportive ear, would like to plan a date night or need help with a household task. When looking for a partner, it is less important to find someone who knows how you scored on the love languages quiz and more important that both partners understand that lasting love takes work and effort.

Emily Impett and Haeyoung Gideon Park are at the University of Toronto. Amy Muise is at York University, Canada